How can I breathe. How can I self soothe? I don't know how to. I don't think I deserve it. I can't relax and I can't breathe. I am shaken with anxiety most the time and my chest is tight. I have no fucking idea who I am so how can I tell my therapist? Every therapist diagnoses me with something different. I feel broken. Is there not a word for what I am? Is that such a bad thing? Maybe I am just too fucking complex and unique. Isn't that a good thing? There really is no doctor or therapist who could possibly understand all of me. I lucked out more than anyone on the planet with my girlfriend. She is perfect. She is the ONLY person who COMPLETELY understands me. Like, ALL of me. I'm not talking about mostly, I truly dearly mean all of me. How can I expect such a once in a lifetime thing to ever happen again with a therapist? My best hope is to find one I feel accepted by and not judged. I don't know if I have found that. Maybe I have. But would I have stayed if I did? Or was it the very fact that they understood me that drove me away? I don't think so. I am open to being wrong. But I truly think the reason I have had so many therapists is because I feel so ostracized if they are confused or overwhelmed by me. I think if I found someone who looked at my soul and maybe they didn't truly get what was going on but they were okay with it and saw the beauty in me like my girlfriend does. I don't want to be worshiped. I get what a therapist is. They are not my friend, and certainly not my lover. But that doesn't fucking mean I don't expect to be cared for and accepted in such a way that I feel safe to be vulnerable. I have never fully felt that with anyone other than Krista. I may never feel that again. Maybe I need to accept that. But I don't want to settle for a shitty therapist or even an average one. A good one for that fucking matter. A good therapist I have seen. But good for me? I don't really think so. But hey, I have been VERY wrong about shit before. So I'm open to it again. PEACE.  



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