art blog mental health mental illness

A lot of the time I feel numb and empty. Yes, I do have a lot more joy, laughter and love in my life than I EVER have. I love my girlfriend more than life itself. I love my family. Well, most of them. I even love my dog like he's my own son. I laugh VERY often and hard. Yet, I would say, generously, that half the time I feel like there's nothing going on in my brain. Like I am "zoning" and just staring off into the distance. I guess that's why, in the past, I have turned to drugs. To feel SOMETHING. People wonder why I have done drugs when they really didn't even get me high. My brain is super strange. Most drugs do not give me the same euphoria they do for most. Whether it's because of my possible ADD and how stimulants affect me in the opposite way, or how things like weed just make me panic instead of relaxing me. My explanation to everyone is, the goal, or at least the pull towards drugs, is that it simply makes me feel different- just something that is not the same as the monotonous emptiness I feel the majority of the time (or half the time, as we are being generous here). I need to find something that wakes me up more. Yes, there are people and animals and hobbies and music that do this for me temporarily and for a short period of time, but I just can't accept that half the fucking time I am destined to feel nothing. I am just so incredibly bored half the time. Things do not excite me or light up my brain. Some of it is my fault. I have done serious damage to my brain with the drugs I have done. Other things are not my fault, such as the various diagnoses I have had, like borderline personality disorder, ADD or even PTSD. I have recently spoke to a doctor that thinks a lot could be solved with a stimulant designed to treat ADD, and that I simply need focus in my life. Man, if that is the case, I'll take anything. It is true that the times I have smoked crystal meth (the cousin of adderall and ritalin) it has almost calmed me and focused me, rather than getting me high. So that's a major clue. Until I find what it is that will make me feel alive, I will keep at it. I will stay clean from drugs and focusing on my art and this website, and maybe take a few medications if that's what I need. I hope you will stick with me for the journey. 




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